#so where is my suits au for these two#IT WOULD BE GLORIOUS (the1001cranes)
The new associates this year are weird. Jeff is pretty sure the two in the cubicles in the south corner are banging, but if they are it involves a hell of a lot more giggling and friendship bracelets than normal torrid, panicky associate lawyer affairs. Pierce, who unbelievably has still not been fired, keeps trying to bully the two of them and being defeated by a wall of two blank faces and worryingly impeccable work. Apparently one of them has a more-than-encyclopedic knowledge of case law and the other is some kind of tax code genius? Weird.
So Jeff is not hopeful about this year’s associate prospects even before he gets in on Monday morning to discover that Slater has assigned one of them to him. What the hell?
"What the hell?" he stomps into her office and inquires with his normal tact and charm and maybe some appropriately expressive hand motions. Slater smiles. He does not trust that smile.
"Jeffrey, always a pleasure. Take an associate or get out of my law firm."
"You know I really think that—"
"I’m paying you to think for our clients, not think of ways around our procedures."
"But it’s really not—"
"Everyone does it. Now it’s your turn."
The new associate looks about thirteen, and her blouse is pink. Jeff can feel a headache start building behind his eyes.
"Annie Edison, Harvard Law, and may I just say thank you so much for—"
"Yes, good, great, excellent opportunity, et cetera, yep. I need these three briefs proofread, formatted and on my desk by 5pm today or you’re fired."
Associate No-Seriously-Are-You-Actually-A-Legal-Adult squeaks in this little offended gasp of air. When that fails to sway him she stares for a minute longer, snatches the briefs, and stomps out of the office.
"He is so rude," she hisses to Shirley as she goes past.
"His momma raised him better than that," Shirley agrees serenely. She’s heard it too many times to be fazed at this point. Given Jeff’s understanding of a normal associate’s work speed, especially one who uses a purple fluffy pen with a rubber grip on it, that should be the end of—
"Here." The three briefs are dropped onto his desk and Fluffy Pen Associate flounces out. Jeff glances at the clock; it’s three-forty-five. ‘What the hell?’ he mouths out the office window to Shirley. She gives him a smug look.
Apparently, Shirley thinks Annie Edison is “nice,” and when he tries to get her to surreptitiously torpedo Associate Big Eyes the way she has countless other unsuitable candidates, gives him a really disappointed look and schedules him a meeting with HR for sensitivity training. He’s pretty sure she embedded it in the actual source code of the office calendar, because no matter what he tries, he can’t delete it.
Britta leaves a little sticky note on his desk with the latest research that just says, “It’s good you’re taking steps to acknowledge your problems.” When Jeff tries to tell her he doesn’t have to take that from a paralegal, she looks at him sadly and says with her Serious and Emotionally Mature voice, “This is why you need sensitivity training.” Through the office window over her shoulder, he can see Shirley laughing at him.